This week I've been harried and exhausted, doing my best to provide a good dynamic at home and a good performance at work, while keeping up with all of my extracurricular obligations. This has me feeling a little like a mid-Victorian automaton; a golem made mostly of paper mache and horse hair, reacting to lights and buzzers for each new bit of stimulus. Jiggling and jerking to the horror or delight of an audience of strangers. When in repose, I can still feel my copper wiring buzzing with the day's entertainments and my puppet skull is filled with the lists of things still to do.
I'm excited about the forthcoming holiday, I'm thrilled to see old friends and to share in gift giving and food eating and the quiet reflection of a year gone by and another year (a greater year) still yet to come. Because of my schedule, I don't know if I will be able to get a complete PROJECT: SELFIE video accomplished before the end of 2013. Let me clarify, this is partially due to schedules, but mostly due to the fact that I want to deliver something worth watching. I had a lot of people who were kind enough to participate, and I don't want to deliver something sub-par. I'm currently tinkering with it, but we'll see. Regardless, a video will appear at the latest in January of 2014.
Christmas always finds me a tad emotional, maybe it's because I miss my mother, or because ever since I was a child, I always found it to be the most reflective time of year. Somewhere in my house is a box of papers and among the drawings and love letters, is a hand written list of "New Years " resolutions from 1995. I remember writing it, my heart filled with hope for the future. When I found years later in the roll-top desk I used growing up (which was also my father's roll top desk he used growing up) I was surprised at how many of the things on the list I had accomplished. I stopped this annual tradition of writing down these goals for the new year in my mid twenties, but am thinking about taking it up again. I feel like I accomplished a lot this year, but have been a bit at sea when it comes to what I should do next. Goals are necessary for us to thrive and move forward and certainly this last half of 2013 has seen me tread a little water.
At this time last year, I was nervous and afraid, but mostly resigned to the fact that I would be moving to Los Angeles in May. This didn't happen, but because I had planned for it and put all of my metaphorical eggs into the Los Angeles basket, and those helping me had as well, when it fell through, I didn't know what to do next. I was greeted by local friends with relief and condolences that my plans hadn't worked out. I received communiques from friends currently living in the "city of angles" who told me that it would work out someday, or bolstered my hope to telecommute for writing jobs. But about a month after our "non-move", my sense of purpose dissipated and my thrill and fear was replaced with brow-furrowing ignorance as to what may lay ahead.
This is understandable, but I didn't think it would take me this long to recover from the "loss" of Los Angeles, but each thing in it's own time. At any rate, I'm forming a clearer picture on how I would like 2014 to proceed. There are specifics of course, but overall I want my sense of humor, storytelling and imagination to turn into more paychecks, so that I can pay my bills with ideas. It sounds like something out of Harry Potter, but I'm going to give it more of a harder go this upcoming year.