CBP Interview with Mathew Mcconaughey
[THIS INTERVIEW CONDUCTED AT MATHEW MCCONAUGHEY'S HOUSE IN CALIFORNIA]
Rob: Thanks for having me over to hang out.
M.M.: No big thing, Man. No big thing- Have a seat.
[LOOKING AROUND, IT SEEMS AS THOUGH M.M. HAS DECORATED HIS LIVING ROOM WITH KISS BLACKLIGHT POSTERS AND BEAN BAG CHAIRS. IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM THERE IS A SURF BOARD AND A PAIR OF BONGOS. A BASSET HOUND IS ASLEEP UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE.]
M.M.: Mi Casa Es Su Casa.
Rob: So I wanted to ask you what new projects you're working on.
M.M.: I've been checking several scripts. One script would have me playing a politician in Chicago.
Rob: Really? This doesn't sound like the kind of work you've been doing lately.
M.M. Well I wanted to mix it up, you know.
Rob: Can you talk a little bit more about that?
M.M.: Absolutely! I would play a Politician in Chicago who has lost touch with the people and is trying to find his way.
Rob: Wow! This is not at all what I expected, usually you're in the habit of doing shitty romantic comedies. Tell me more.
M.M.: Sandra Bullock would play a social worker that works in the South side of Chicago with under privileged youths.
Rob: ...Sandra Bullock?
M.M.: Yeah, it's kind like Precious meets All the Kings Men. We fall in love and she tries to get me to change my bird-doggin' ways.
Rob: That doesn't sound like Precious meets All the Kings Men...
M.M.: Well, it's more modern.
Rob: ...Is this a romantic comedy?
M.M.: You mean, is there romance in it?
Rob: Is it something my girlfriend will really want to see?
M.M.: [LONG PAUSE] Yes.
M.M.: You look tense, man.
Rob: It's just, your new project has got me...really..."excited"...
M.M. Seriously, relax Broseph.
Rob: I will, I just need to--wait, did you just call me "Broseph" ?
M.M.: I got just the thing-
Rob: Actually, I just wanted to ask a little bit more about this movie-
M.M.: Right on, man. Fire away [CONTINUING TO RUMMAGE THROUGH A HEMP BACKPACK SITTING NEXT TO HIS BEAN BAG CHAIR.]
Rob: I'm curious, would this script involve you taking off your shirt?
M.M.: [PAUSES] You know what, I don't know-but I wouldn't be surprised. I mean, even Politicians shower, right?
Rob: Uh...I suppose so....
M.M.: Politicians are people too. It wouldn't be so odd to see a politician oiling up his bare chest on a beach, would it?
Rob: Okay, we should probably talk about something else.
M.M.: Dude, you're acting weird, are you a cop or something?
Rob: No, why?
M.M.: You're just really uptight.
Rob: No, I'm not a cop.
Rob: Okay, so where did you get your start?
M.M.: Because if you were, you'd have to tell me.
Rob: I'm sorry, what?
M.M.: If you were a cop, you'd have to tell me.
Rob: First of all, I'm not a cop. Secondly, I don't think that's how it works.
M.M.: Yeah it does, just like cops can't come into your house unless you invite 'em.
Rob: I believe your thinking of vampires.
M.M.: Here, man. Hit this. [M.M. PRODUCES A MULTICOLORED GLASS PIPE FROM HIS HEMP BACKPACK]
Rob: Listen, if we could just get back to the interview...
M.M.: C'mon, don't be rude. We're hangin' out.
Rob: Really, it's fine.
M.M.: You're definitely a cop if you don't hit this with me.
Rob: Fine, one hit, then we get back to the interview.
M.M.: You know it!
Rob: Okay. [INHALES ]
M.M.: YEE-HAW! That's how we roll, brody.
[THE RECORDING BECOMES MUFFLED FOR THE NEXT TWENTY MINUTES. AT CERTAIN PERIODS THE
SOUND OF MUFFLED LAUGHTER, TALKING AND LYNYRD SKYNYRD CAN BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND. THE TAPE RESUMES-]
Rob: No freakin' way! I had no idea that you'd be into Battlestar Galactica!
M.M.: I never missed an episode! I loved what they did with the new series. Edward James Olmos was perfect, and damn, Starbuck was HOT!
Rob: No diggity!
M.M.: I'd face down a thousand Cylons just to drink her bathwater!
Rob: [LAUGHING/COUGHING] You're crazy, man. Okay...so....can we get back to the interview?
M.M: Whatev. It's your show, I'm just along for the ride.
Rob: Great. [PAUSE] I just forgot what I was going to ask.
M.M.: [LAUGHS] You're super-ripped!
Rob: I'm not "super-ripped". I just forgot what I was going to ask you.
M.M.: Are you hungry?
Rob: Yeah...I think so.
M.M.: Sweet. How about we go to town and grub on some In N Out Burger?
Rob: I could eat. You okay to drive?
M.M.: Baby, you're talking to the Doctor.
Rob: Uh, I don't know what that means.
M.M.: My keys are in the car, let's go.
[UPON ARRIVING AT THE GARAGE, I AM TREATED TO AN EXACT REPLICA OF THE GENERAL LEE FROM TELEVISION'S DUKES OF HAZARD]
Rob: Is that the General Lee?
M.M.: Damn right. I bought her at John Schneider's garage sale. You want to slide across the hood, don't you?
Rob: Actually...I do
[IT IS AT THIS POINT IN THE INTERVIEW, I EXECUTE THE BEST HOOD SLIDE I CAN MUSTER WHILE HIGH]
M.M.: Have you done that before?
Rob: No, it's my first time.
M.M. Well you did it like a pro-I thought I was watching Tom Wopat there for a second.
Rob: Before we conclude this interview, I just wanted to say, while I may hate most of your films with the fire of a thousand suns-you're an awesome guy to hang out with.
M.M.: Roger Ebert said the same thing. LET'S RIDE!